Chaos on the set of Van Helsing
by Omnipotent Girls
Summary: The characters of 'Van Helsing' have a little fun on set. A bit of OOCness. CarlVan HelsingDracula.
1. Chapter 1

Author's note: This is being typed up by (well, it leaves me no choice as Blayze took number one…) Omnipotent Girl numero dos. In other words, Gen. This takes place on the set of the movie, in case you all would get confused, and we wouldn't want that, now would we?

Disclaimer: I don't own Van Helsing. I wish I owned Carl, but I don't think that will happen. And the snippet of the song in the story is Say My Name by Destiny's Child. The other snippet is I'm Too Sexy by Right Said Fred. We sort of changed the words around though.

On with zee story…

It was a nice day and our wonderful actors were stuck on the set of _Van Helsing_. They were trying to film the movie, but it seems Van Helsing had a bit too much to drink.

"Gabriel…" Dracula said as he was watching Van Helsing dancing around in a pink boa.

Van Helsing didn't respond, but instead he sang, "Say my name, say my name, when no one is around you, say baby I love you…"

Dracula, who was very surprised, could only say, "Oh, hell." Van Helsing continued to dance while repeating the song lyrics.

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Carl. He had walked in and didn't expect this to be the highlight of his morning.

Dracula ran to Carl shouting, "Save me! I'll repent, I'll confess, I'll do whatever you want! Just get him away from me!"

Carl patted Dracula on the back and said to Van Helsing, "Van Helsing, is there something you're not telling us?

Van Helsing stopped his dance. "Um, I don't think so."

Carl looked at him suspiciously. "Are you sure?"

Dracula grabbed Carl by the shoulders and dragged him in front of himself. "Carl, protect!"

Carl shouted, "WHAT!"

Van Helsing shrugged it off and switched songs. "I'm too sexy for my hat, too sexy for my hat. I'm too sexy for my hat. I'm too sexy for all my clothes, too sexy for all my clothes." He stripped off his clothes, but left on the pink boa.

"That's just…scary. Scary. In a bad way." Said a very disgusted Dracula. Carl didn't seem to mind, as his eyes got very wide and he managed to gasp, "Woooooow."

Dracula smacked Carl and said, "Excuse me? Hello? Do you realize how wrong this is? At all?"

Carl continued to look at Van Helsing. "Wooooooow…"

Dracula was getting jealous and said out of his jealousy, "Now that's just not fair."

As Carl was stripping his clothes off, he smirked, "Too bad." That apparently upset Dracula, because he too took his clothes off.

"Wooooow." Replied Van Helsing as he was looking at Dracula. Carl decided not to waste any time. He jumped on Dracula and Van Helsing and we can all just guess what happens.

Time passes and they all get dressed. Van Helsing said, "Oookay…" and ran off somewhere.

Carl shouted, "Wait for me!" He ran after Van Helsing, hurriedly tugging his shirt on.

"Well that was awkward." Said Dracula. "Right. Can someone say 'cut' already?"

The directors and crew looked surprised. They coughed nervously and managed to say, "Er, yeah. Sorry 'bout that…"

Dracula whipped out a plastic knife from the great beyond. "You better be…" He looked at the knife in his hand. "Don't fire me for that…"

Carl and Van Helsing walked back into the set. They went over to Dracula and asked, "Are we fired?"

"I just hope that doesn't go to the blooper reel." Dracula said.

Carl pondered about that. "Do they blur out our, uh, things on the blooper reel?"

"They probably won't add that cut in." Dracula reassured him.

"Darn."

Dracula slung his arm around Van Helsing's and Carl's shoulders. "I think that take three was good. Let's see if I have any of that Crown Royal left in my trailer…"

"Good idea." Responded Van Helsing.

Now would have been a good time to switch to the actor's real names, but I doubt that would be allowed. From now on you could think of the character names as their real ones or not. Anyways…

The director ordered a fake sunset behind Dracula's trailer and shouted to his assistant. "Add that to the blooper reel!"

"Over your dead body!" was the reply from inside the trailer.

Carl said to Dracula, "You're going to get fired for that. You know that, right?"

"They've already shot half of the Dracula scenes. Besides, they didn't turn off the cameras, did they?"

"Ohhh! Did I look good? I've been working on the six pack. More like one covered with a blanket."

Van Helsing decided to join the conversation. "We weren't looking at your stomach."

"Hey!"

Dracula patted Carl on the shoulder. "Don't worry."

"Thanks, buddy."

"Don't do that?"

"Why not?" Carl said, looking very hurt.

"It's just wrong."

"Why?"

"Because."

Carl's face lit up as if he had gotten an idea. "Why? That's not wrong compared to the fact that the pink boa belongs to you."

Dracula's face turned an awful shade of red. "No it doesn't."

Carl held up the boa to Dracula's face. "Yes it does. It says 'Dracula' right here on the tag."

"Shut up! Gimme that." Dracula yelled as he snatched the boa away from Carl. Carl forgot to let go of the boa and fell on Dracula.

"Get the heck off of me!"

"Why?" Carl asked innocently.

Dracula was a bit surprised. "Dunno…"

Carl then dragged Dracula off to a broom closet that miraculously appeared in the trailer. Van Helsing looked over the director. "Tell me you got that on camera."

The director smiled nervously. "Nooo…"

"Keep the camera on you son of a bitch!" Van Helsing yelled to the poor director. The director, not wanting to get attacked by an insane actor replied, "Yessir."

Now that things had quieted down a bit, there were odd sounds coming from the broom closet. The director walked up and put his ear against the door. "What the…"

Van Helsing nudged him out of the way. "Excuse me." He knocked on the door and yelled through it. "Open up you idiots!"

A voice inside that sounded a lot like Carl answered back. "Why?"

"Can you think of something better to say than 'why'?" Van Helsing yanked open the door which was surprisingly unlocked. He dragged Carl and Dracula out of the closet. They turned beet red, as they were naked.

The director chose this to be the time to say, "Well, the camera was on."

"I'm suing." Was the reply from a furious Dracula.

The director glared at him. "Feck you."

"You're a monk, you shouldn't swear." Van Helsing said to the obviously non-monk director.

Carl looked at him funny. "Why are you quoting yourself?"

Van Helsing replied, "Because I can't stop saying that line!"

"Mine is better." Dracula smirked.

"And perhaps the return of my ring!" said Carl as he held up his middle finger instead of taking down his ring finger.

The director, Dracula and Van Helsing stared at him in shock.

Dracula shook his head. "Caaarl. Bad. Very bad."

Carl grinned and flipped off everyone again. "What? See, I broke my finger."

"I can arrange that for real." Dracula mumbled.

"Feck you." Replied Carl.

Dracula gave him another surprised look. "_Carl!_ What has gotten into you?"

"You." Said Carl with a mischievous grin.

Had this been an awful 'Sue fic or a dialogue fic, Van Helsing, the director and Dracula would've gone: O.o; But instead, they settled for, "The heck?"

Carl looked at his watch and said, "Well… Look at the time…" He sprinted out of the trailer and to a bar that was conveniently located on the set. Van Helsing followed Carl to the bar, along with Dracula. "This is also a strip bar. Woohoo!"

"I feel… followed." Carl looked about nervously.

Van Helsing smacked him in the head. "You just now noticed that?"

Carl jumped up onto the bar and shouted, "Wheee! Coyote Ugly!"

"Ugly doesn't even begin to describe it." Mumbled Dracula.

Van Helsing leaned over to Dracula. "What is this 'it'?"

Dracula stared at him. "You're seriously asking that?"

"Yeah." Responded Van Helsing. Dracula smacked him in the head.

"Hey!" Van Helsing protested.

"You ask a stupid question, you get a stupid answer."

Van Helsing rubbed his head. "Smacking me wasn't really an answer."

Dracula glared at him. He was then snatched up onto the bar by Carl, who shouted, "Shut up or get up!"

Van Helsing snorted. "I'd say get up, Dracula."

The people at the bar started shouting, "Dracula, Dracula, Dracula!"

Dracula shrugged. "What the heck?" He got up onto the bar with Carl.

"I don't even know them." Sighed Van Helsing.

"Yes you do." A random person brought to his attention.

Van Helsing whipped out a plastic crossbow. "Say that again."

"I can tell my mommy." The person at the bar whined.

"You're drunk, aren't ya?"

The person at the bar shouted, "Mehbee!" and jumped up onto the bar with Carl and Dracula.

"Join us Van Helsing!" Shouted Carl.

"In the bedroom, the closet, or up there on the bar?" he shouted up.

Dracula pondered. "All three?"

"Yes!" Carl shouted as he added more moves to his dance.

"Help! 911! Help! Police!" shouted Van Helsing.

"C'mon, Van Helsing!" Said Dracula as he dragged him up on the bar and 'danced' with him.

Carl shouted over to them. "Yeah, c'mon. It'll be fun!"

Van Helsing joined in their little dance. "Dirty dancing now has a whole new meaning."

Another person at the bar shouted, "My eyes!"

Dracula did his freaky vampire thing at the person while Carl shoved him off of the bar. "Three person show."

The director walked in and glanced at the bar. "Not going to ask." He proceeded to walk out.

Van Helsing 'distracted' Dracula. "I feel left out." Said Carl.

"I feel violated." Retorted the person at the bar.

Van Helsing and Dracula proceeded to make Carl not feel left out. They continued their dance thing for quite some time before a little interruption.

Author's note: So, how'd you like it? Reviews would be most welcome.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: Yay! Chappie 2 is up. Unfortunately, this is going to be the last chapter because the story ends soon. Oh, yes. Later on in the chapter, you're going to have to think of them as the real actors because there is a conversation on marriage. (i.e. Hugh Jackman.)

Disclaimer:We don't own Van Helsing, but We'd love to own Carl. pets him Ah, and the 'End of the World' reference is from a short cartoon at funnyjunk dot com. We honestly don't know who made that up, but credit is to them. Oh, and no offence to any person of Chinese origin. It was from the cartoon and we have absolutely nothing against you. The Van Halen reference was actually said by someone in the commentary of the movie. The bonus is and idea from a Xena episode. The disclaimer is now done.

Now the rest…

The director walked into the bar and cleared his throat quite loudly. "Guys, we need to shoot more scenes."

"Why?" questioned Carl.

The director didn't answer and glared at Carl. Dracula did his freaky vampire thing, thinking the director didn't see him. The director shook his head and mumbled, "Leaving."

Van Helsing happily resumed his dance. Dracula soon dragged Van Helsing and Carl back to his trailer.

The director blankly stared at them and said, "Why?"

The crew smacked their foreheads with their palms and muttered, "Not you…"

In the trailer, Dracula, Van Helsing and Carl were doing fun things involving liquor and refusing to let Dracula take his wig off.

The director threw open the door of the trailer. Not seeing something pleasant, he slammed the door shut and shouted, "Props department!"

The head of the props department rubbed his ears and shouted back, "What?"

"Do you have any bleach?" asked the director, who wanted to scrub his eyes and brain with said bleach.

The head of the props department looked slightly confused. "That would be… costumes department, stupid."

Had this been a horribly written fic, the director would have gone . But instead, he settled for "Oh."

Back in the trailer, Dracula asked, "What was that all about?"

"Dunno." Said Van Helsing with a shrug.

"He barged in!" piped up Carl.

Dracula gave him an odd look. "And you just figured that out?"

Carl smiled sheepishly and said, "Well…maybe…"

Dracula and Van Helsing rolled their eyes. At this moment, a random person at the bar came up shouting, "MY EYES!" He saw the cast members and said in their general direction, "I'M SUING!"

"STOP TALKING IN ALL CAPS! COMPRENDO?" shouted Dracula.

The person at the bar gave him a blank stare. He snapped out of it when Dracula yelled in his ear. "KAPISHE?" The person at the bar stalked off and we can only suppose they went home.

"No peace. People peeking in windows. Ungrateful Chinese sons of bitches." Muttered Dracula.

"Chinese?" said a confused Van Helsing.

"End of the World." Was all Dracula said.

"Ah. I see. Fun." Said Carl.

Dracula tapped his chin. "Where were we?"

"Allow me to show ye." Said Carl with an evil grin.

"Stop with the archaism. It annoys me." Snapped Dracula.

Hugh poked a random object and grumbled, "My wife is gonna kiiiiiill me. Eventually."

"When you stop being drop-dead gorgeous." Squeed Carl.

"Exactly." Agreed Van Helsing.

"So, never." Pointed out Dracula.

Carl put on a thoughtful look and tapped his chin. "Why didn't you say you were married." That was met by a blank stare from Van Helsing.

"I guess you have kids." Said Carl. Had this been a badfic (How many times have I said this?) The characters would have gone . Also, Dracula would have said "For the sake of something, here goes" and then he would have gone . But that's not going to happen, now is it?

Carl patted Van Helsing on the back and said, "Join the club, Van Helsing."

Dracula struck a pose and went on a slightly long tangent. "I apparently don't. If only because the authoresses have no real idea who I am and mainly love me for actually acting the part of Dracula and for the wig. And all of the black. And the evil." He took a deep breath and shut up.

"WTF, eh?" said Van Helsing.

"WTF, mate?" said Carl.

Dracula held up his hands and sighed. "I give up." He stopped and then flashed and evil grin. "But…"

"Ha ha. You said butt!" shouted Carl in a fit of hysterics. No one knows why that was so funny.

Dracula corrected him, "No, but."

"Ha ha. You said it again."

"No, B-U-T." Fumed Dracula.

"Hee hee."

Dracula smacked Carl over the head. "Meep." was his reply. Van Helsing smacked Dracula. Dracula, who was tired of getting smacked, goaded the others into resuming their 'recreational activities'. The grins on their faces were very big, thankyouverymuch.

The director popped his head in the door. "Guys, really, we need to shoot the rest of the scenes. Now!"

"Don't start yelling like that person at the bar." Said Van Helsing.

The director gave him a blank stare. Carl shouted, "Join us!"

Richard glared at him. "No! Only three. Anyways, no directors…that's disturbing."

"Well, isn't the fact that three males have spent the day together doing these 'activities'?" said the director.

Carl pondered that. "No."

The director hit his forehead with his palm.

"It's quite a lot of fun actually." Put in Van Helsing.

"Yeah." Agreed Dracula.

The director was starting to get impatient. "Come on! We've got the kiss scene and the one with the barmaid and… just get up, dressed and out!"

"Few more minutes?" asked Van Helsing.

"Please?" asked Dracula.

"Pretty please? With Dracula covered in whipped cream?" begged Carl.

Van Helsing and Dracula shouted in unison, "Carl!"

"Awww…. Chocolate?

"No." They both said.

"With cherries?" offered Carl.

"No."

The director spoke up. "Even if, Carl, the answer is no. We need you three outside."

"Which reminds me, send that one girl in… what's her name? The one… Marishka. In costume." Said Dracula.

"Don't wanna know." Mumbled the director.

"You sure?" asked Dracula.

"Positive." Said the director.

Van Helsing said, "Can I get an invite?"

"Me too!" said Carl.

Dracula shrugged. "Sure."

"Costumes! Cameras! Now!" ordered the director.

"Feck you." Said Dracula.

"COSTUME NOW!" roared the director.

Dracula saluted him. "Yessir."

Now they were filming the ball scene. "I give you, Van Halen!" was shouted by someone.

"Cut! What was that?" said the director, trying not to laugh too hard.

"Fun." Said Dracula.

Carl tugged at his clothes. "This costume is itchy…"

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Author's note: I had to steal the zeros. Here's a little bonus for you all. You're not out of the torture yet:

Van Helsing yelled out, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE'RE OUT OF FILM!"

"And the battery went dead…" said the very nervous director.

Van Helsing rounded on him. "We had a once in a lifetime chance to show the world a great blooper and you're telling me the battery is dead!


End file.
